If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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