if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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