I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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