someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
