I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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