Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
