Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
