My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
