She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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