Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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