The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
