Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
