i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
