I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
