yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
