Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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