i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The power of my boobs compel you
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
