my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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