Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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