Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
