get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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