After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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