I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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