how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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