4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
my liver is dry heaving
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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