I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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