hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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