Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
