I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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