um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Welp...herpes.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
