Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
