this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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