Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
