someone owes me an orgasm
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
