Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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