I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
