Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
