I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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