It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
40s are totally the cure
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
