That's when you crack a 10am beer
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
