I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
