I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I will die if light touches me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
