Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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