He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
