Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
