So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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