Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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