Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
