OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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