hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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