I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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