I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
