Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
