no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
