I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
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I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
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All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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