I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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