No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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