it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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