she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
